A piece of her evolution...

This is something I wrote over 5 years ago. Sadly, I wish I could say the change occurred overnight but I can surely say today, change came & left its mark. Man...I don't even remember what this scarred little girl was going through but dang....


I am...

Woman

Daughter

Sister

Passionate

Caring

Oh so Resilient

Unpredictable

Adventurous

Quiet

Exciting

Friendly
Selfless

Survivor

None of these things involve sex. Who I am does not revolve around how I make you feel when you're in between my thighs. Yet I often have a hard time getting pass that stage. I confuse getting to know you with physically showing you why you should be with me. I lower my expectations so that any and everyone can meet so that I might not be deemed "difficult" or a "bitch" or a woman who "doesn't know what she wants." For if I convince myself that you are what I need then I can easily overlook your many faults. I can ignore the fact that you show little interest in me lest it has to do with sex. If I can convince myself that I am what you need then I can justify treating you like royalty when you treat me like no more than a jump-off. I agree with every piece of crap that comes out of your mouth so that you might see how well we get along and maybe someday acknowledge how we never argue. I listen to your troubles and remain a constant shoulder that you can lean on so that you may find me worthy of your attention and possibly even your love one day yet we never speak of how I am doing. We spend 80% of the time speaking of what troubles you and finding answers and solutions to your troubles and ignoring my own. I give your worries more room in my mind than my own. I neglect my needs to meet yours. The other 20% of the time is spent speaking of sex and how awesome it is between us.

I do all this and yet remain unfulfilled. If you think about it, I am a mystery to you. I know every piece of vital of information about you down to your social security number, debit card pin number, and etc. yet you do not even know how to pronounce my last name. I push aside the thoughts of how you never seem to ask me how I'm doing and how all communication is initiated by me and if it is not, then we do not speak. When we do speak, you say just enough to fool me into thinking that you do care for me. Ha ha. What a fool I am. I have never shared anything significant about myself with you and yet that doesn't seem to bother you. I silently push any knowledge of this to the back of my mind, convinced that the next conversation will be better. You will ask me how I'm doing. You will ask me about something that I am currently going through or a problem that I've had recently. You will listen attentively and offer solutions like I have done for you time and time again. You will tell me how much you appreciate me and everything I have been to you...and then I will wake up out of the dream for we both know that there is not room enough in your cranium to care for anyone but yourself. And I shall continue to make excuses for you and list all of the things going on in your life that take precedence over caring about me.

Clearly, the writing of this note marks the end of an era. I speak to everyone and to no one at the same time. I no longer shall be a doormat for those who need someone/where dependable to cast their cares upon. I am not God, nor have I ever wanted to be. This marks my realization of what I have been doing wrong and all the ways I have neglected myself for the sake of being a caring, selfless individual. Yes, I have a compassionate heart. Yes, I care for others more than most do. Yes, I go out of my way to help others, but I do believe it is time to start taking care of myself and paying more attention to what it is that makes me who I am and truly preparing myself for someone who shall be worthy of all I have to offer. I hold nothing against no one for I still believe that people will do to you what you allow them to do therefore it is up to me to disarm them from this day forward. From here on out, it is up to me to discern where to draw the line. I realize this is  a rather personal subject to be writing about in a public forum but I do feel as if there are some folks (young women, possibly?) who need to read this and maybe admit some things to themselves that they've been camouflaging.

It is written. So shall it be.

2008 is the year of new beginnings but these beginnings will not fall into your lap. You have to get up and take action and bring those new beginnings within your reach and make them happen for you!

Real eyes realize real lies...

I just found this in the process of shutting down my MySpace page that I haven't touched in years! LOL. I can't tell you what the 19 year old me was going through but this was in the midst of some of the roughest years of my emotional growth as a young woman. Enjoy.

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.

Little girl, don't be blinded by the veil pulled over your head.
Although you struggle to find the meaning of your existence, it's better than being dead.
Don't let others' insecurities interfere with your growth process
They'll steady be trying to knock you down but always, firmly deny them access.

Only you can establish and uphold what you consider truth
Concentrate on being a lady inside and out and leave no room for your former nature which is vile and uncouth
Little girl, stop being content with the lies that you've come to believe
Your mind is the only roadblock to the path of all that you can achieve.

How can someone "stop [you] from becoming an adult"?
Don't let your surroundings stunt your growth and begin to admit your fault.
Withing your lies lie your deepest fears and uncertainty
Don't be controlled by them and learn to let go of your hindering and persistent insecurity.

Before you get your stuff together you have to straighten out what's within.
Now on your way up, at least you know where to begin.
All that you seek is already inside of you
Cliché but you know it's true, so stop shying away from what you know you have to do.

Patience is key in letting go of all that you hold bottled inside.
Little girl, let go of the bitterness and false hopes, don't force your soul, your compassion and your mind to hide.
Real eyes realize real lies
So, learn, little girl, to see the world through real eyes.

-J.S.G.M. 
08/09/2005
11:08 - 11:33 P.M.

She let's go and let's God

"True worship is a heart surrendered to God, and the overflow of that surrendered heart is a life of praise. Staying true to the Word of God these days is getting harder, but remember that while the world mocks you . . . Heaven applauds you. Sinful choices and attitudes stem from a lack of intimacy with God. If our intimacy with Him declines, so does the purity of our hearts. Intimacy and discipline go hand in hand. Intimacy with God is developed by those who are consistently disciplined in their pursuit of Him...If we are weak in prayer, we are weak everywhere." 

-@sherepsChrist

Yesterday my pastor preached a message that touched my very core. My church is doing a series on Worship and yesterday's message spoke about how we must worship with all of our heart. If we're not worshiping God with all of our heart than we're definitely worshiping something or someone else. He talked about how sometimes we allow something to take the place of our worship of God. Our hearts become divided between the things/people in our lives. John 4 tells us that we worship what we do not know and there is so much truth in that, it gave me pause. I realized that I worship my ability to fix things (and at times people.) I'm just being real.

I find myself always trying to fix or take care of things. I seldom relinquinsh my "power" even in the sense of asking for help. I think the Lord is trying to show me that I need to let Him take control of the things that I've been trying to fix. "LET GO AND LET GOD." You cannot serve two gods, so choose Him or the other will choose you. I can't continue on worshiping anything except the true and living God! I want a heart like David, a heart after God's own heart. I want God to look into my heart and it be like a reflection of His own. Anything wrong in my heart, I want to expose and remove and whatever's left over, SURRENDERED fully to Christ.

Before I finish this post, I'll just share the 3 points my Pastor shared with us in case you too are realizing that you've been worshiping something else.

1. Keep your heart open to God (Psalm 139:23, Psalm 51:4-6)
Part of the enemy's plan to keep you worshiping ANYTHING other than God is to give you a closed heart to the things and voice of God. Don't allow it!! God can heal your heart if you leave it open to him. He can turn your heart away from wickedness. He can keep it safe from harm. But you have to invite Him into it. Be open.

2. Keep your heart repentant (Psalm 51:3-4, 10-13, 17)
We often have a misconception about repentance (I know I did until yesterday) where we believe that apologizing to God for our sin is the definition of repenting. That definition is fine but it's missing a key element. When Jesus forgave people of that sin, He forgave them by saying "Go and sin no more!" That means we're required to CHANGE the behavior/mindset/situation that got us in our mess in the first place. Repentance includes change! And you don't know how to repent, the verses above are a great place to start!

3. Keep your heart humble (2 Samuel 6:14, 20-22; 1 Chronicles 29:13-17)
The best way I can explain this is a phrase I often use, "I am nothing! Everything that I am is because of God! Without Him I am nothing. Let everything that I am be found in You!" God cannot use a proud heart (I'll make a post about that issue soon as well.) We must humble ourselves as Jesus did before the Father for He opposes a proud heart but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6.)

You can watch yesterday's message here: Worship: All Your Heart (video)
Or listen to it here: Worship: All Your Heart (audio)

She is so double minded

"But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." - James 1:6-8


Imagine that. When you can't make up your mind about something, the bible calls you double minded and unstable. In all that you do, at that. Who wants to be double minded? That almost seems as bad as being a liar, to me. Or a hypocrite. Is being double minded a sin? <---scary thought.


I've been coming across scripture relevant to my situation (as is always the case when you start asking God questions) and they do address the main issue I had in my mind, "What could I be doing better? What's my part in this?" Often times when we have problems with people, we always find ourselves pointing out the many things that person is doing wrong. We can list them all in detail but seldom do we sit and calculate what our part in the deterioration of the situation was. 


So in this situation I said I would things differently, instead of being blinded by the other person's wrongs, I'm going to pin point MY wrongs and what I could've done better so I don't add fuel to the fire next time around (whenever that will be.) Well wouldn't you know that God is NOT afraid to put a mirror in your face and say BAM! Here's what your problem is. 


I always think that self-reflection is a GOOD thing. It should bring about growth and all that good and fluffy stuff that we all say we want. But man IT IS HARD! We, too often, underestimate the power of the enemy to wrap us up in our pride. When you start to peel back the layers, you realize, wait a minute, this isn't just a little problem, it's a BIG problem. It aches to the core to see exactly what has been festering in your heart and the things you've allowed to dwell within you.


"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity." - Proverbs 11:2-3


Thank God for grace.


Even though this process is trying, I do still believe that "...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." - Hebrew 4:12

In my self examination over these last few days I've realized that I've done more seeking within myself when the bible says that I should be seeking in the Lord (James 1:5) I allowed the situation to take me to a selfish place even though those who know me well will tell you I am not a selfish person. It became less about the Lord wanted and more about what I wanted.


I am so thankful for a God that does not delight in seeing His children led astray, who sends His word and His people to correct us when we're wrong. I declare with the authority given to me by the Lord Christ Jesus, that the devil shall not have the victory over me or any situation in my life if I hand it to God to deal with. No more shall my actions give worship or even give way to the devil to make his dwelling anywhere near me or anything in my life. I speak life into my situations and know full well that God will get the glory in my victory. 


"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE." - 1 Corinthians 13:13


Yeah, I said it. L-O-V-E never fails!

She is so confused

You know when something comes in your life and you're sure as all get out that this is a gift from God? You revel in it. You tell the world about it. You bask in the ambiance. Lol. Then one day you wake and you realize that in all the excitement you never properly took the time to understand how to care for this thing and you're left wondering "What the heck have I got here? When did...what the...HOLD UP! This is not what I signed up for!"

I'm there -_- and I have NEVER been so confused before in my LIFE...

...about the "L" word. (I don't even want to type it, let alone say it, let alone hear it right now. Lol.)

Yes it's that deep! Judge me if you must!

She blogs again

I used to blog ALL the time. Daily. Sometimes more than once a day. Somewhere along the road, I lost my zeal to write. My thoughts became like a prisoner in my mind. So many times I've said I'm going to start writing again. I'll write a note on facebook and it'll be so therapeutic...then I'll stop. For no good reason at all.

Well here goes again....

I am quite different than when I first started blogging. I am clearly no longer in high school. Lol. I'm a mother! </ whoa moment> Lol. But this blog isn't going to be about that, or maybe it is. It's going to be about me. My thoughts. My joys. My hurts. My pain. My laughs. My thoughts. My beliefs. My happiness. My sorrow.

I'm going to leave it all here. So welcome.

Enjoy the show.