This is something I wrote over 5 years ago. Sadly, I wish I could say the change occurred overnight but I can surely say today, change came & left its mark. Man...I don't even remember what this scarred little girl was going through but dang....
I am...
I am...
Woman
Daughter
Sister
Passionate
Caring
Oh so Resilient
Unpredictable
Adventurous
Quiet
Exciting
Friendly
Selfless
Selfless
None of these things involve sex. Who I am does not revolve around how I make you feel when you're in between my thighs. Yet I often have a hard time getting pass that stage. I confuse getting to know you with physically showing you why you should be with me. I lower my expectations so that any and everyone can meet so that I might not be deemed "difficult" or a "bitch" or a woman who "doesn't know what she wants." For if I convince myself that you are what I need then I can easily overlook your many faults. I can ignore the fact that you show little interest in me lest it has to do with sex. If I can convince myself that I am what you need then I can justify treating you like royalty when you treat me like no more than a jump-off. I agree with every piece of crap that comes out of your mouth so that you might see how well we get along and maybe someday acknowledge how we never argue. I listen to your troubles and remain a constant shoulder that you can lean on so that you may find me worthy of your attention and possibly even your love one day yet we never speak of how I am doing. We spend 80% of the time speaking of what troubles you and finding answers and solutions to your troubles and ignoring my own. I give your worries more room in my mind than my own. I neglect my needs to meet yours. The other 20% of the time is spent speaking of sex and how awesome it is between us.
I do all this and yet remain unfulfilled. If you think about it, I am a mystery to you. I know every piece of vital of information about you down to your social security number, debit card pin number, and etc. yet you do not even know how to pronounce my last name. I push aside the thoughts of how you never seem to ask me how I'm doing and how all communication is initiated by me and if it is not, then we do not speak. When we do speak, you say just enough to fool me into thinking that you do care for me. Ha ha. What a fool I am. I have never shared anything significant about myself with you and yet that doesn't seem to bother you. I silently push any knowledge of this to the back of my mind, convinced that the next conversation will be better. You will ask me how I'm doing. You will ask me about something that I am currently going through or a problem that I've had recently. You will listen attentively and offer solutions like I have done for you time and time again. You will tell me how much you appreciate me and everything I have been to you...and then I will wake up out of the dream for we both know that there is not room enough in your cranium to care for anyone but yourself. And I shall continue to make excuses for you and list all of the things going on in your life that take precedence over caring about me.
Clearly, the writing of this note marks the end of an era. I speak to everyone and to no one at the same time. I no longer shall be a doormat for those who need someone/where dependable to cast their cares upon. I am not God, nor have I ever wanted to be. This marks my realization of what I have been doing wrong and all the ways I have neglected myself for the sake of being a caring, selfless individual. Yes, I have a compassionate heart. Yes, I care for others more than most do. Yes, I go out of my way to help others, but I do believe it is time to start taking care of myself and paying more attention to what it is that makes me who I am and truly preparing myself for someone who shall be worthy of all I have to offer. I hold nothing against no one for I still believe that people will do to you what you allow them to do therefore it is up to me to disarm them from this day forward. From here on out, it is up to me to discern where to draw the line. I realize this is a rather personal subject to be writing about in a public forum but I do feel as if there are some folks (young women, possibly?) who need to read this and maybe admit some things to themselves that they've been camouflaging.
It is written. So shall it be.
2008 is the year of new beginnings but these beginnings will not fall into your lap. You have to get up and take action and bring those new beginnings within your reach and make them happen for you!
